For the first 3 years of making content, I was drunk in every single video.
Every girl I kissed on camera, every approach you’ve ever seen from me, I had a few drinks in me first. Every time.
I built a whole brand on it. Got famous for walking up to girls. Thousands of approaches on camera.
Then one night I tried to talk to a girl sober. No camera, no drinks, just me. And I froze. Same fear I had on day one. Years in, famous for this exact thing, and sober me was still terrified. That’s when it hit me. I never actually built the skill. I rented it, a few drinks at a time, for years.
There is actually science behind this. Your brain ties what you learn to the state you’re in when you learn it. It’s called state-dependent learning. So the confidence and the reps you build while drunk are locked to that drunk state, they don’t transfer to sober you. which is exactly why you will hit it off with a girl at a bar — but never close the deal once the weekend is over.
When you wait for drink three or four to walk over, that confidence isn’t yours. It’s the alcohol’s. Your brain doesn’t learn “I can talk to women.” It learns “I can talk to women when I’m drunk.”
Owned confidence is walking up sober and being fine. Rented confidence is needing the drink.
Here’s the part nobody tells you. The fear isn’t the enemy. The fear is the rep. You get better by feeling it and doing it anyway. Alcohol deletes the fear, and when you delete the fear, you delete the workout. I deleted mine for three years.
So no, I’m not telling you to walk up to the hottest girl in the room dead sober tomorrow. That’s too big a jump.
The Fix:
This is why I gamify it now. Put on a character, make it a bit with your boys, dare each other, keep score. A character lowers the stakes the same way booze does, with one huge difference. The character is still sober you doing the rep. Your brain remembers it. It actually transfers.
So here’s the challenge this week. One approach, totally sober. Make it small. Doesn’t have to be the girl you’re dying to talk to. Ask a real question. Give one honest compliment and walk away. That’s it. Don’t even ask for her number.
It’ll feel ten times scarier than doing it drunk. That fear you feel is the sign it’s finally counting.
Reply and tell me the last time you needed a few drinks before you could talk to someone you were into. I read every one and I’ll share a few next week.
Noah D
@itsnoah.d