Something happened recently that I can't stop thinking about. It's the reason I finally sat down and wrote this.
Emotional intelligence makes your options more narrow.
Nobody warns you about this.
There are some women who won't be able to handle how grounded you are.
When you refuse to argue — when you don't engage in the unconscious stuff — something in their mind pushes them away. Because deep down, they crave that toxicity that you're NOT providing.
This is usually true for women who grew up in an environment where conflict and emotions were handled in toxic ways. That's what they learned is "normal." So an emotionally grounded, non-reactive man sets off an alarm in their mind — because it's UNFAMILIAR.
And here's the important part: she's not aware of any of this. It's not conscious. She's not thinking "this guy is too grounded for me." She'll just suddenly get the ick. Or say she "lost feelings" and can't explain why. That's the alarm going off — she just doesn't know what it's called.
Your stability forces them to see their own patterns
She's clearly upset, but instead of talking about it she sends you a passive-aggressive text. What she's actually craving is for you to feed into it and turn it into an argument. But when you stay calm and ask her how she's feeling instead of getting defensive — now she has to look at her own pattern.
That's uncomfortable to the ego. She feels like you're above her because of how "well" you handled it. And again — none of this is a thought she's having. It's a feeling she can't name. She's not sitting there thinking "he's better than me." She just feels smaller around you and doesn't know why.
So what happens? Self-sabotage. Pulling away. Protecting the ego.
What to do with this
If you're doing the work to become emotionally grounded, two things.
One — your options get more narrow. Some women will pull away, and it's gonna feel like rejection. Don't take it personal.
Two — don't blame her either. She didn't choose to have that pattern instilled in her. Nobody does. Have some compassion for where people come from — and that goes for you too.
Because this isn't a woman thing. Guys do this too. Some of you reading this are the ones who crave the argument. The ones sending the passive-aggressive text.
So before you decide she couldn't handle you — ask yourself which side of this you're on.
— Noah Danenhower
P.S. Hit reply and tell me — honestly — which side you've been on. I read every reply..